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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Zion's Member Services

Home teaching getting you down? We care when you don't have time to. Can't get that annoying Priesthood Leader off your back? Home Teaching interfering with your TV and Golf? We can help! At Zion's Member Service, we'll do your Home Teaching for you. For a small monetary fee, we will send one of our trained representatives to the homes of your families.
Basic Visit..................$10
Basic Visit plus Spiritual Message...................$15
Birthday and Anniversary cards in addition to the Basic Visit and Spiritual Message...............$20
Is $20 too much to pay for peace of mind?
Call us at 1-777-752-2537.
That's 1-777-Slacker.
PLEASE NOTE: Because of heavy volume, an extra $15 will be added for the last day of the month.
Meetings: We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back:
Ward Council Meeting............$30
Ward Council Meeting w/ written report.............$50
Presidency Meetings..............$20
Sacrament Meeting.............$20
Sunday School..........$20
3-hour Sunday block (best value)......$50
(Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings)
Talks and lessons (Young Women's too):
Did a Bishopric member call and assign you a talk?
Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson?
Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons. No need to spend countless hours pouring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!
Basic Talk (any subject assigned).......$20
Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures).....$30
Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes)...$40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes. Add $1 for each additional minute.
Basic Lesson (40 minutes)...........$25
Deluxe (Basic + visual aids).........$35
Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts)......$45
Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.
Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount.
Introducing our Bundle Buys and frequent shopper plan.
Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount.
Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.
Last but not least...Our Casserole Service! If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions, WE CAN! Our basic services include:
Funeral Potatoes
Green Bean/Mushroom Soup and Crunchy Onions
Orange Jello with Carrots
Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
Cheez Wiz/TaterTot Surprise!
They are made from exact recipes using the authentic ingredients taken from Ward Cook Books around the world! All for only $15 deposit.
Each delivered to your house with Corning ware marked with your name!
They'll never know you didn't make 'em!
Here you have it! We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel, just for you.
Remember our number, 1-777-SLACKER

Saturday, December 5, 2009


At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speek that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and it's dedicated staff, he offered a question.
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does in done in perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things and other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. "I believe, that when as child like Shay comes inot the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature present itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.
Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son was allowed to play, it would give him a much needed sense of belonging.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.
The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try and put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
In the bottom on the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield.
Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in a game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on based and Shay was scheduled to be next to bat.
At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly to Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.
Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"
Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"
By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.
He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for the tage, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases town home.
Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the fathe softly with tears now rolling down his face,"the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."